Monday, July 19, 2010

A Letter To My Baby Self

Dear Sweet Little Baby Kate,

Hey there, chickadee. This is me… well, you… giving you a buzz from the future- all ‘Back to the Future’ style and shiz. You don’t know what that means right now, but awesome movie. Sorry to interrupt your bath. Gosh, aren't bubbles just the best?... Bubbles, bubbles, bubbles... la la la la... that would probably be a lot funnier to you if you could hear me singing it in the vocal styling of Cookie Monster. Speaking of, did you hear Cookie Monster is now going to be 'Veggie Monster' due to the rise in childhood obesity and the media's affect on healthy child development? Well, of course you didn't hear that yet. You're a baby. In 1981. But you WILL hear it someday and you'll think it's a total load of B.S., wonder why it's Cookie Monsters responsibility to teach children about proper nutrition (where are their parents? Hello?) and long for the days when 'C' was just for cookies and that was good enough for you.

But, I digress... lets get back to business. The year is 2010. Sounds super cool and futuristic right? Well, we still don’t have flying cars like Janet Jetson and you sure didn't end up marrying He-man – but, hey, you ended up with a great rack. So there’s that.

While you’ve come out on the flip side as a fairly well-adjusted adult, you have done some pretty stupid stuff in your first 28 years of life. So, I thought I’d save you some time and just throw you some friendly advice. Take it for what it’s worth but here you go!

General observations:

· That whole dream of becoming an actress or maybe a 911 dispatcher when you’re an adult because your mom let you watch too much ‘Rescue 911’ as a kid? Nah. Not happening. Instead you’ll work for a non-profit and do all kinds of do-gooder little things – You’ll be kind of like Jesus… only a super narcissist and kind of snarky.

· Listen to your dad. He’s always right… like in a scary all-knowing, Yoda kind of way. It’ll piss you off a bunch of times but eventually you’ll just give in to the facts – the man knows everything about everything.

· Picking up drunk Mexican hitchhikers on your way to Vegas with two other girlfriends in the car is NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER a good idea. Not even a little. You’re lucky I made it as Adult Kate and wasn’t beaten, raped, chopped up into small pieces and scattered across the Utah mountains so I can sit here and type this message out to you now, you freaking dumb ass!

· Oh, hey. Guess what! Puberty is going to jack up your world! Your bone-straight baby hair will someday turn super, gorgeously curly and people will die of envy with how fabulous you are… And all it will take are those incredible hormones cruising through your body and making you all like ‘Boys are gross . They’re smelly and stupid and dumb and… wait… hey, did that boy just smile at me… ew… I mean… whoa… um, awesome… he’s got kooties, I mean.. I.. why am I all giggly and dumb? WHAT'S HAPPENING TO MY BODY???’, coupled with a few awkward years of not knowing how to deal with your birds nest on top of your head. You’ll get made fun of, for sure, looking like a brunette version of a homeless Carrot Top, but those kids will bite it later when you come out all super awesome and such.

· Credit cards do NOT = free money. No. No! Nooooo. NO!

· By the age of 28, you’ll have been the Maid of Honor in 10 different weddings. That's right, 10. People will tell you this is an honor and must mean you’re such a good friend to so many people… but then they’ll follow it up with a little quip like, “Always the brides maid, never the bride, eh, Kate?” This is not as funny a joke as they might think. You’ll politely laugh and maybe roll your eyes for dramatic effect the first few times but really you should just do one of the following things: a.) smack them. b.) respond, "That's right. And you're always the fatso, never the size 6, I see." or c.) call upon your theatre training and burst into tears while flailing your arms above your head and running out of the room screaming about becoming an old spinster. Trip over a chair or something and stumble for dramatic effect.

· Eyebrows don’t always grow back right. So if you’re even tempted to shave that passed-out boy’s eyebrows off while he lays in the middle of the Sig Tau fraternity house living room, be prepared to have someone hate you for the rest of your life.

· Tattoos are retarded. Butterflies are even more retarded. You. Are. Retarded. Don’t do it.

· If the tanning lotion bottle says ‘use sparingly on knees, feet and elbows’ it really means ‘If one drop of this substance touches so much as a freaking skin cell in any of these areas, you’re going to look like a Cheeto and a traffic cone got it on and one of them jizzed on your knee.’

· Nothing bad can ever possibly come from binge drinking. INCORRECT. The little voice in your head that says ‘nothing bad can ever possibly come from binge drinking’ is a fucking liar.

Furthermore, in your adult life, you’ll seem to date a lot of freaks and general douche canoes… You’ll spend way too much time obsessing over if they like you, if they’ll call, if it’ll work out… etc. etc. Don’t even worry about it now - here’s a list that should save you a LOT of time!

Signs there is a slight chance he ‘might’ not be right for you and you should stop trying to decide what you will name your first child:

· You tell him he resembles an ‘oompa loompa’ while you’re blasted drunk on your second date and yet he continues to date you for almost a year…

· He talks to God through small barn yard fowl. But we’ve already covered this. (

· He refers to you as ‘hooker’ throughout your entire relationship.

· He tells you his is in love with any of the following (and means it!) on your first date: a girl living in another state/ you / a man / Buffy the Vampire Slayer/etc

· You and your friends only refer to him as 'Manaconda'. You may be too young and innocent to get it right now, little Katie, but trust me - this nickname has nothing to do with his ability to unhinge his jaw and swallow a goat or small child whole.

· He spits his fried calamari on you from across the table during your first date because apparently he never learned how to chew with his mouth closed. You will spend hours trying to pick octopus chunks (or is it squid? Whatever…) out of your hair.

· His favorite accessory is a fucking fedora. These are lame, Baby Kate. And even though this word hasn’t hit your vocabulary yet, say it with me: pretentious.

· He stands you up on your second date. And then calls you 3 months later to say he made a mistake. You’ll be tempted to give him another chance. But really, unless he was dying of some rare form of cancer and in a treatment facility for three months without cell phone service or Internet access, chances are good he was just an a-hole then and will be an epic a-hole in the future.

· He obsesses about his weight more than you.

· You wonder why the guy can’t just go to sleep and stays up all night like a hyper ADHD toddler on PCP - 8 months later you realize it’s actually not, in fact, a matter of PCP. But he HAS been busy snorting the nose candy.

· He runs a petting zoo and is missing an eye due to a run in with a pissed off emu - meaning consequently he wears a pirate-type eye patch. Even in your wildest Johnny Depp/Captain Sparrow fantasy, this is NOT sexy.

· He doesn’t know the difference between their, there and they’re.

· He wears Ed Hardy. Exclusively.

· He sometimes supplements Ed Hardy with ‘Affliction’ shirts.

· He is almost as old as your dad and admits that you are the oldest girl he’s EVER dated.

· He is reading this list right now and wondering if Adult Kate is talking about him.

So anyway, just thought I’d let you roll that around in your little baby girl-brain for a while. Hope some of it helps. You’re a pretty good kid… a little wacky and I’m pretty sure every night your mother will go to bed and collapse of exhaustion after chasing your spunky little butt around all day... but otherwise, it's all basically sparkles and puppies and unicorns. Keep on keepin' on.

Later gator,
Future Kate

1 comment:

  1. Sophie watches Sesame Street daily so I will let you know the good news that Cookie Monster still eats cookies. He also likes other things like veggies but he still eats cookies. In fact the other day he had the fairy, Abby, make him cookie trees. So that part of your childhood will remain. I just reread this and can't believe that I just posted a comment about cookie monster, my life is boring.