Wednesday, June 23, 2010

How Fluffly Little Drops of Adorableness Sent Me to the Brink.

Let me begin by saying I work in an office. Like an office with computers and spreadsheets and fax machines and other boring office stuff. I do NOT work someplace cool, like a vet's office, a farm or a top secret animal testing lab where they make rats have penises on their heads or anything. I wish.

So I really should have stopped to think a bit more when I received this package the other day.

But no. I was just excited to get a package at work. What could it be? WHAT COULD IT BE!?!?!? Flowers from a secret admirer? A gift from the members of the Board who felt bad about being such tools at last weeks meeting.

But then... wait..


It was like a magical unicorn came into my office and took a big rainbow poo of happiness on my day!

Did I care that a delivery of 3 dozen live chicks was a little odd to get in the office? Hellz to the niz-zo! They were A.D.O.R.A.B.L.E. ... all fluffy and chirppy and chicky-like.

And they obviously loved me and needed me.

Loving. Loving. Loving.
Wait... what the... what the fuck? Um...

They were just gone. As quickly as they'd fluffed into my heart, they were... gone. Broken hearted, I held on to my last remaining friend.
And then there they were. Everywhere. Under my desk, on my chairs, in the corners, pooping on my super important grant proposal that I spent weeks working on... EVERYWHERE!

Swarms of them. FUCKING SWARMS OF PRECIOUS CHICKS (which are not so precious when they are surrounding you and probably getting ready to peck your eyeballs out... yeah, that's right. I saw 'Birds'... I know what happens. Evil little feathered spawns of Satan!!!!) Closing in. I can't even express the horror of what I experienced with those blasted little chicks.

Eventually, I had to call in reinforcement.

Maintenance guy on phone: You need me to come into your office to what???

Me: What are you not hearing me say? I'm being attacked by fluffly little baby chicks and they're trying to peck my eyeballs out!!! GET HERE NOW!

It's been 4 days and I'm still finding chicken poop everywhere.


  1. I'll be the first dumb tard to write the first post on the eventually world-famous blog that will eventually make me famous by associative osmosis. I won't be able to say much because I can't see through my hysterical tears of laughter and my hands are shaking because I know how damn fast baby chicks can run. From this day forth, this blog shall be the first stop on the downward spiral office train that I hop onto each morning. You are now solely responsible for my daily mood. Thank you.

  2. This just made my day! You tell the best stories! :)